Please
by NeuroticNerd
Summary: Want, jealousy, shame, guilt... Love? Harry, Sirius and Snape start a relationship filled with all those things. It's wonderful, but it can't last long, can it? SS/HP/SB slash


_A/N: Hey, so this is a short story which is quite the mix of romance, fun and quite a bit of angst. I've been working on it on and off for a while and I originally didn't intend to post it at all. My original idea was to write a fanfic with just the bits that I enjoyed writing in it, and I did! Lots of smut and slash and all that and in the end it just developed on its own from simple PWP to this! And it actually turned out pretty well, so I thought what the heck, I'll post it! _

_It is a Harry/Sirius/Snape, but there is also some Harry/Sirius and Harry/Snape. There is a lot of strong language and pretty smutty scenes. Harry is 14/15 in some graphic scenes, so _**_if you're not okay with chan/underage, leave now. Okay, I've warned you, so no flamers about that, okay?_**

_Some lines are taken from the books, and some scenes, even though I've changed them a bit. I used the film version of the ending of the sixth book/film instead of the book ending, it just fitted in better with the story._

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or the books or the films or anything else really. The twisted plot is all that is mine.**_

...

"Please."

He could feel Harry's breath on his cheek as he talked. He looked utterly delicious... But he couldn't. No. He was fourteen. And he was James and Lily's son. But it was oh, so hard when Harry pressed his lips against Sirius' and moaned in that delectable way.

"Harry... Ah!" he tried to say no but it wouldn't come out. And when Harry's hands found their way into his robes and wrapped themselves around his considerable erection it didn't get easier.

"Sirius, please. I want to... make you feel good", he murmured. Sirius wasn't listening. His concentration was on Harry's hands that moved slowly up and down his length and circled the head. Where had he learned that? But he was a teenager, he had probably had a lot of practise.

"Fuck! Yes..." he moaned. It was wrong. So wrong in so many ways, but he couldn't stop now. Harry Potter, his bloody godson, was wanking him off and it felt so good. So fricking good.

It wasn't like he'd never thought about it. He had layed awake and touched himself, imagining it was Harry's hands. Those eyes looking up at him, that mouth wrapped around his cock. The look he would have when Sirius would come down his throat. But he'd never thought he'd do it. He'd just feel embarrassed every time he was around Harry for a few days and walk around being ashamed of himself. But this time Harry had asked him why he blushed every time they saw each other. And when he couldn't answer Sirius had kissed him. And Harry had kissed him back. Clung to his robes and then, before Sirius could pull away and stop himself he'd moaned that "please".

Harry squeezed his cock softly and Sirius' breath hitched and he came all over Harry's hands and his robes. "Shit. Sorry."

He didn't know if he was saying it to Harry or James and Lily, or himself. Maybe all four.

Harry brought his hand up to look at it and then he licked one of his fingers, slowly, all the way down to his palm and then he sucked the tip.

"God. Do you have to... look so..." he couldn't find a word for it. Edible. Wonderful. Forbidden.

"Hm... Yes", he smiled and wiped his hands off on his robes.

"I can't do this. I can't. I shouldn't have." Sirius ran a hand through his hair.

Harry smiled half-heartedly and then he walked away, leaving Sirius alone in the dark room at Grimmauld place.

...

His hands were still sticky. Sticky with Sirius' cum. He couldn't believe he'd actually done that. He'd just been so frustrated. Sirius would avoid looking at him and hurry out of the room every time they saw each other. And sometimes Harry would catch him looking at him from across the room. He'd wondered if he was angry with him or something. So he'd asked and Sirius had gotten a panicked look in his eyes and then he'd... _kissed him._ And Harry had liked it. And he'd kissed back. He'd liked the feeling of Sirius' dry lips against his and he'd liked Sirius' skin against his own, he'd liked how he said his name when he had first touched his cock and he loved the way he moaned when he came. Harry squealed, something he never did. He couldn't believe he'd done that!

...

He couldn't concentrate. Harry was all he could think about. Harry's eyes, Harry's hands, Harry's lips, Harry's... No he couldn't keep thinking about him like that. He was just a boy. He didn't need Sirius drooling over him.

"Hey? You look... Is something wrong?" Remus said. He sounded worried.

"No. I'm fine." He waved it away.

"You sure? You've been acting strange for weeks now." Sirius smiled and denied it but Remus knew him too well. "You look like you did when you broke up with that Hufflepuff in fifth year. All grumpy and gloomy." Remus chuckled.

Fifth year. Harry was on his fifth year. Sirius laughed halfheartedly. "I remember that. I think I was most upset that we'd only gone to second base before we broke up."

Remus laughed and Sirius sipped his drink. "Have you seen Harry lately? He looks more grown up every time I see him."

"Yes. Is that what it's about? Is it Harry?" Remus asked.

Sirius didn't know what to say. He nodded and swallowed a mouthful of whisky.

Remus leaned forward. "What is it? Or do I have to guess?"

Sirius gulped. What would Remus say if he knew? If he knew that Sirius got a hard on as soon as he saw their best friend's son? If Sirius told him that he lay awake at night, jerking off, thinking of his fourteen year-old godson?

"Guessing it is then. Is it about the war?"

"No. It's nothing."

Remus looked skeptical. "Is Harry in trouble?"

He couldn't let him guess. He would never guess that. And Remus never let stuff go. He would keep asking until Sirius would tell him. He might as well tell him right away. He should never have admitted anything was wrong.

"No. Yes. I..." How did you say something like this? "I keep thinking of him."

"How do you mean?" Remus wrinkled his forehead.

"I mean..." Sirius ran a hand through his hair and buried his face in his hands. "I think about..."

He couldn't say it. He looked up at Remus. He understood. He could tell by the look in his face. Disappointment. Atleast not disgust. "You mean sexually?"

"Yes", he spit out from between his fingers. "I don't know what to do, Remus! It's just... Fuck!"

"Hey, it's not that bad." Remus said, after a long silence, and sat down next to him in the sofa. He put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "It's fine. People have those thoughts some times. You're not hurting anyone by thinking about it. And I know you would never hurt Harry."

Sirius looked up into Remus' eyes. Moony. One of his best friends.

"Sirius... 'Cus you haven't... done anything, right?"

He was quiet. He felt like he was going to cry. He hadn't cried since he was little. Not even in Azkaban.

"Sirius?" Remus grip tightened on his shoulder. "What did you do?" He leaned in to be able to see Sirius face. He looked more angry now than disappointed. Sirius understood. If Remus had come to him and told him he had the hots for Harry he would have ripped him to shreds.

"I... He came to me and asked me why I was...Why I was avoiding him and I didn't have an answer. The only thing I could think about was... So I kissed him."

"Shit, Padfoot! Why would you..." Remus rubbed his temples. He rarely swore unless he was upset or really angry.

"And he... He..."

"Did you have sex with him?" he shouted and stood up. "He's _fourteen_!"

"No! No... I didn't... He jerked me off."

"Oh, god...Sirius..." Remus sat down on the couch again.

"I'm sorry... It wasn't like I forced him..."

Like that was an excuse.

"He's a boy. Even if he said he wanted nothing else, he's still a boy. He can't decide these things!"

"Don't you think I fucking know that!" he shouted.

"What are you shouting about?" a voice asked from the door.

They both turned around.

"Harry..."

...

"Don't you think I fucking know that!"

Harry stopped at the loud shouting. It sounded like Sirius. He swung the half-open door in the grey corridor completely open. Lupin and Sirius looked at him. Sirius looked like he had been crying.

"What are you shouting about?" he got out.

"Harry..." Lupin said and Sirius sat down on the sofa.

"What are you...? Why are you looking at me like that?" Harry smiled and wrinkled his forehead.

"Nothing, Harry. It's nothing", Lupin said again. He sounded tired.

Before Lupin left he gave Sirius a look that Harry had never seen him give anyone before.

"What was that?" he asked Sirius who stared at the bottom of his glass.

"Nothing. I'm going to bed."

He stood up but Harry grabbed his hand. "Really? So soon? It's only like... 7 o'clock or something."

Sirius looked down at his hand in Harry's then he yanked his hand away. "Goodnight."

...

Harry lay awake thinking. He was angry at him. This was just shit. Shit, shit, shit. Just because Harry had... No, it wasn't Harry's fault. Sirius had kissed him first. But Harry had slipped his hand inside his pants... And Sirius had tried to stop him. There had definately been a no somewhere in the moans. Had it?

"Shit."

...

Sirius lay awake thinking. He'd been so cold to Harry. This was ruining everything. He'd been so happy when he heard Harry was coming to spend the rest of his summer at Grimmauld place and this was ruining it. Why did he have to be so... sick? _He_ was ruining it. Harry liked him. He had felt like a father to him. And now... But Harry had kissed him back. And he had put his hands down Sirius' pants. But Remus was right, Harry was only a little kid. He couldn't decide these things. But Harry was so very mature for his age. He'd been through so much...

"Bollocks."

...

"Happy Birthday, Harry", Sirius said quietly from down the hall.

"Thanks. You weren't at dinner. You missed the cake."

Harry sounded more disappointed than he wanted to.

"Sorry. I'm sure it was good."

"Yeah."

Harry walked closer and Sirius disappeared into his room. "Goodnight."

...

Sirius stared up at his ceiling. Harry was leaving tomorrow. He just had to get through this night and then Harry would be safely off to Hogwarts. One night. He would not go off to Harry's room. No. That friend of his, Ron, was sharing his room with him and he did not want to wake him by humping Harry in his sleep. He wouldn't go there.

...

He'd go there. He had to talk to Sirius before he left. He had to. He couldn't leave with it being like this between them.

He didn't knock. He slipped into the room quietly. "Sirius?"

Sirius sat up in the bed. He didn't say anything, not even when Harry slid under the covers. He slept with only boxers on and Harry could feel his erection against his back as he snuggled closer. "Can I sleep here tonight?"

"Sure", he sighed and draped his arm over Harry's stomach.

"Are you mad at me?" Harry asked cautiously.

"No. No, I'm not."

"Okay. Good."

"I'm mad at myself. I really shouldn't be doing this."

"Is that what you and Lupin were fighting about?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell him that I..." Harry asked and blushed.

"Yes", he breathed.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't dare to look at Sirius. "Did you like it? When I...?"

"Yes", he said so quietly Harry almost didn't hear him.

"I can do it again. If you want me to."

There was a long silence but then he answered.

"Yes", he moaned and turned Harry around.

Harry brought his hand down to Sirius groin and felt at the bulge there. Sirius threw his head back and moaned.

"Only if I can return the favor."

"I...I want you to fuck me."

Sirius kissed him harshly. "Yes."

Harry straddled him and Sirius shoved his pants down. Sirius stroked him fast and Harry bucked his hips against his hand. "Please... Now."

Sirius leaned over to the bedside table and took his wand. "Is it okay if I use a spell? I can't wait..."

"A spell?"

Harry must have looked like a complete idiot but Sirius didn't laugh. "Right. This is your first time."

"Yes. It is." He tried to be calm. Sirius wouldn't laugh. And he didn't.

"I was gonna use a spell to prepare you. I don't have any lube or anything."

Harry nodded.

"I don't want your first time to be like this." He kissed Harry softly. "We can do something else."

"No! I want to..." Sirius sucked on his neck and he drifted off.

Sirius finally broke away from his neck. "Oh. That's gonna leave a mark."

"Who cares?" Harry moaned as Sirius licked on his nipple.

"Oh, god. You look so nice like this. So fucking pretty."

Harry laughed.

"Don't laugh. You're beautiful."

He looked up before he swallowed Harry's dick whole and Harry lost his breath.

...

He was a virgin. Of course he was. 'I want you to fuck me'. With that little hitch at the beginning. So sweet. He couldn't resist it. Couldn't resist him. That look on his face when he mentioned the spell. So innocent. So naive. Sirius wanted to spoil him, to use him. To mark him. To make him his. That was all that Sirius could think about when he waved Harry goodbye at the station. And not even Remus' stern look could make him feel ashamed about it.

...

Harry stared out the window, not even noticing the landscape rushing by. He couldn't forget Sirius' hands on him. His breath on his neck. His tounge on his cock. He blushed and looked over at Hermione and Ron. They hadn't noticed anything. Hermione talked on about something boring. Harry didn't listen.

...

Christmas. Harry had waited so long for Christmas break to come. When he saw Sirius face again all the worry about Mr Weasley and the snake melted away. Sirius had pushed him up against the wall in his bedroom and told him that it would be okay. And Harry had believed him.

...

Occlumency. Harry had no idea what it was. When Mrs Weasley had told him that Snape had wanted to talk to him he had thought he was in trouble. And when he walked in and saw Sirius and Snape sitting there glaring at each other he thought Snape had found out somehow. But then he'd told him that he was going to teach him occlumency. Harry sat and wondered about it while they both shot insults at each other. He didn't pay attention until Snape was about to leave and Sirius stood up and pointed his wand at him. He'd said something about Harry's dad.

"Sirius!" Harry said loudly but he didn't seem to hear him.

"I've warned you, Snivellus. I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've changed, I know better..."

Sirius' face was only inches away from Snape's.

"Why don't you tell him then? Or are you too afraid that he won't listen to the advice of a man who's been hiding in his mother's house for six months?"

Sirius looked furious. "You're such a-"

"An arse? Yeah, well, atleast I don't fuck fourteen year-olds", he spit out icily.

Sirius dropped his wand to his side. His voice was quiet when he spoke."What?"

"I've seen the way you look at him. It's bloody obvious."

Harry stared at him. Would he tell someone? What if Sirius went to Azkaban again, he was pretty sure it was illegal. But Sirius just being in this kitchen was illegal. The ministry did still think that he had murdered those muggles and betrayed his parents.

"_Have_ you fucked him yet? Or are you such a cowardly shit that you haven't even done that? Have you just made him suck you? Wank you off?"

Sirius hit him hard over the jaw and Snape stumbled backwards. Then Snape broke the silence by chuckling bitterly.

Sirius looked like he was going to hit him again and Harry jumped in inbetween them. "Stop. Stop it!"

Suddenly the door opened and the whole Weasley family was there with Hermione. They stopped dead in the doorway when they saw Harry standing inbetween Sirius and Snape, Snape rubbing the side of his face where a bruise must be forming.

"Hey. What's going on here?"

Sirius locked eyes with Snape who said,"Nothing. Nothing at all."

And before he left he turned in the doorway and said,"Monday 7 o'clock, Potter."

...

"Concentrate, Potter! Legilimens!"

Scenes flashed infront of his eyes again. Dudley taking a swing at him behind their old school... Himself celebrating after a quidditch game... Hermione laughing in the commonroom... Watching Dudley at his 7th birthday, the envy he'd felt... Uncle Vernon nailing their mailbox together... Sirius leaning in to kiss him...

Snape drew away from his mind again. "You're not even trying! Clear your head! Get rid of all emotions."

"It's not so easy", Harry spit out from his place on the floor.

"Get ready. Legilimens!"

His mind flooded with memories again. Eating dinner with the Weasleys in Grimmauld place... Making a deep dive on his broom in a game against Hufflepuff... Talking to Ron on the train to school his first year... Cedric Diggory lying on the ground with empty eyes... Sirius looking at him from across the room and then blushing and looking away... Himself moving his hand up and down Sirius shaft... Sirius looking down at him before he leans his head back and comes in Harry's mouth...

"Stop! You're doing it on purpose!"

Harry was on the floor again, his knees hurting from the collision with the floor.

"Excuse me? Doing what on purpose?" Snape said silkily.

"Showing...him."

"Who?"

Harry looked down on the floor."Sirius."

Snape smirked but didn't say anything.

"I need to rest", Harry breathed.

"Fine."

Harry leaned against Snape's desk and tried to think away the pain in his knees. He rubbed them and groaned.

"Ready?"

"No, wait... I need to take a break."

"You've had a break." Snape raised his wand.

"Wait." Harry grabbed Snape's wrist and Snape looked down at it. "Please."

He put the wand away after a while. He was very close now and when Harry tried to back away his back hit the desk.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked quietly. He could feel the warmth of Snape's body against his own.

Snape looked him up and down and then said quietly, "Has he fucked you yet?"

Harry looked at Snape defiantly. "Piss off."

"That's not a nice way to talk to your professor." Then he murmured, "Has he?"

Harry glared at him. "No."

"Why?"

Harry could feel his breath against his neck.

"I don't know", he answered coldly.

"Really? Are you a virgin, Potter?" Harry tried to move away put Snape pinned him to the desk. "He doesn't want to spoil you maybe?"

Snape brought his hand up to Harry's face and stroked his cheek. He ran a finger over Harry's bottom lip and then slipped it inside Harry's mouth. Harry couldn't stop his tongue from licking at it and he realized he'd lost to Snape. He sucked it and Snape's breathing sped up. He ran the finger over Harry's cheek and it left a wet trail.

"I should tell someone, shouldn't I? That your dear godfather is..."

"Don't. Please, don't." Harry sounded pathetic and begging.

"Hm. Why shouldn't I?" he murmured.

Harry slowly brought his lips close to Snape's and he could tell that he was holding his breath to see if Harry would do it. He did and Snape's lips were surprisingly soft. Snape gripped his head to hold it in place and pressed against Harry. It wasn't bad. Snape was a good kisser. His tounge was... No, he couldn't be thinking this. This couldn't be happening. He pulled away and blushed.

"I can't do this. Sirius is my..."

"Boyfriend? Has he called it that? He's just using you, can't you see that? He's just a fucking horny-"

"Shut up! Shut up. What are _you_, then? Are you supposed to be my boyfriend?" Harry spit out.

Snape pulled away from him and wiped his mouth. He looked slightly guilty."I'm your professor. And this lesson is over."

...

Harry was confused. Could Sirius just be using him? No, Sirius would never do that. That meant Snape was lying. Why would he lie? Did Snape like him? Or maybe he just thought Sirius was that much a jerk. That was likely. Very likely.

...

"Can I come to your rooms tonight?"

Snape kissed his neck and Harry could feel him smirking against his skin. "Sure. What made you change your mind?"

Harry didn't answer.

...

"You want me to come to Hogwarts?" Sirius said through the magical mirror he'd given Harry.

"Yes. I know a place were we can be alone."

"I can't. It's too dangerous. I could get caught."

"Come. Please, for me?"

He could see that Sirius couldn't resist. "Fine."

...

Severus had cleaned. He had used almost all the cleaning spells he knew and put away his books from the bed. Not that his place was very dirty, he was pretty tidy. But still, he had actually cleaned and then Potter showed up with the mutt. And the mutt seemed as surprised to see Severus as Severus was to see him.

Potter pushed Black in and closed the door.

"Harry, why are we...?" Black sounded confused. He looked suspiciously at Severus.

Harry looked between them. "I..." He looked at Sirius. "I kissed Snape."

...

Harry stepped inbetween them. This didn't look good. Atleast Sirius didn't look angry with him, more with Snape.

"You pathetic little shit! You threatened to tell someone if he didn't do it, didn't you?" Sirius shouted.

Snape glared at him and then turned to Harry. "Why did you bring him?"

"I need to explain. Sirius, he didn't make me do anything... I kissed him and it was because I wanted it." He thought he wanted it. That was the truth, but maybe it was a bad idea to tell Sirius that he wasn't sure. Atleast not now when he was trying to convince Sirius to... He couldn't even think it, how was he supposed to tell Snape and Sirius.

Sirius looked crushed.

"And you're here because..."

He didn't know how to finish that sentence so he pounced on Sirius and kissed him harshly. Then he tugged on Snape's robe and pulled him into a kiss too. Sirius growled and pulled them apart.

"I want you both."

They stared at him. "Excuse me?" Snape said finally. He stepped away from Harry and Sirius and Sirius clutched Harry to his chest possessively.

"I want you both."

"You mean you can't decide", Snape spit out.

"No, I mean I... It would be so much better if we..."

He couldn't finish that sentence either. He got himself lose from Sirius grip and walked over to Snape.

...

"Please", Harry whispered so quietly that Black couldn't hear him. "He's looking at us now isn't he? He looks jealous doesn't he? Then imagine how jealous he will look", Harry licked Severus' earlobe, "when you fuck me. Think about the envy, when you take me..."

He couldn't keep back a moan. He stared at Black over Harry's shoulder. He looked furious, but there was something else too. He let his hands disappear under Harry's shirt and Black let out a low growl.

Harry pulled away and licked his lips. So delicious.

...

'Please, Sirius', echoed through his head. So this was what he'd wanted. He wanted to fuck Snivellus. Snivellus! And he wanted Sirius to _join in. _Shit. And he couldn't deny that a small part of him wanted it too. A very small part. But he knew that if Harry asked him with those huge eyes, that little part would grow bigger and he would say yes.

...

It was wonderful. Two mouths on him. Two pairs of hands, two bodies against his, two pounding heartbeats. The double sound of breathing. Harry was pushed down on a bed that hadn't been there before. Maybe they had conjured one, or maybe they had moved into the bedroom. Harry didn't know and he didn't care, his focus was on those brilliant hands and those tongues. Snape did something amazing with his nipples and he gasped. He could feel someone smirk against his neck and when he opened his eyes he saw it was Snape. He licked up Harry's neck and up to the area behind his ear.

"Sirius?" Harry mumbled and he felt Sirius warm hands at the small of his back.

There was a mumble by his ear and Sirius kissed up his jaw. Harry felt someone's hands unbuttoning his shirt and other hands tugging at his waistband. Harry was finally free of his shirt and he pushed Snape away from him and started unbuttoning his robes. It felt like several million buttons and then Snape's chest was revealed. Harry hadn't seen Snape naked yet. He was pale and almost yellow-ish, like the rest of him. He had a little hair around his nipples and a trail of hair running down from his belly button and disappearing down his pants, but nothing else. When Harry pushed his shirt off him his hand brushed by the dark tattoo on Snape's arm and there was a moment of sharp pain and his head felt like it was going to explode. He felt like he was going to vomit and then it was gone again.

"Harry?" Sirius sounded worried and panicked and pissed off at the same time.

"Are you...?" Snape reached his hand out but Sirius pushed him away.

"Get the fuck away from him", he growled.

"I'm fine! Don't... I'm fine", Harry said and put one hand on Snape's arm and one hand on Sirius'. There was silence and then Harry spoke again. "I'll just make sure I don't... touch it. And it's not like I'll die or something..."

Sirius glared at Snape and Snape clutched his arm. "Did I hurt you?" Harry asked and peeled away Snape's fingers from the Dark Mark. Snape shook his head. The snake in the Dark Mark slithered in and out the eye

socket of the skull. It seemed very alive.

"You're asking if you hurt him? He made you-"

"Sirius", Harry said in a warning tone. Sirius began to say something but Harry interrupted him. "Please."

Sirius looked down on his hands but didn't say anything. Harry touched his cheek and he looked up again.

"Are we going to..." Snape touched Harry's hand.

"Piss off, Snivellus."

"Don't call me that", Snape said and glared at Sirius.

"Hey. Don't fight."

What had he expected? That they would go along perfectly just because Harry asked them? Harry kissed Sirius furiously. This would work. It had to work.

He felt Snape's fingers clutching his hand and drew Snape closer to him. Sirius' hands travelled down to his waist. His fingers were cold. Snape licked up his neck like he'd done before and Harry moaned. He noticed Snape only used his right arm when he reached around to stroke Harry's chest.

Harry turned his attention to Sirius' clothes. His shirt was open and Harry only had to shove it off his shoulders. Sirius was slightly more tanned than Snape was and he had small tattoos all over his chest and his stomach, signs in a language that Harry didn't understand. Both Snape and Sirius were thin, almost too thin, but Sirius was a bit more muscled. Of course Harry had seen Sirius naked before but not like this.

"Ah... Do that again", Harry moaned when Snape bit down on his earlobe.

When he opened his eyes again Sirius had gotten rid of his pants. He guided Harry's hand to the bulge between his legs and made a strange whining noise when Harry rubbed it. He coughed to make up for it, it seemed and his cheeks went red. It wasn't a blush but it was close.

Harry suddenly realized how tense he was and relaxed against Snape's chest. Snape lost his balance and fell back against the headboard of the bed.

"Oh. You okay?" Harry laughed and Snape nodded.

Sirius kissed down Harry's stomach and made Harry forget everything else. Then his hands were inside his pants and wrapped around his erection. Harry couldn't help gasping when Sirius' rough hands started pumping up and down his shaft in a slow pace. He must have let out some other sound because Sirius chuckled something about how sweet he sounded.

"Take it off. I want to see", Snape breathed in Harry's ear and Sirius slid Harry's pants down. Harry blushed when the cool dungeon air hit his cock and reached for something to cover himself up with. He wasn't nearly as big as either Sirius or, by what he'd felt, Snape. He knew he was a bit younger than them, but still.

Snape grabbed Harry's hands gently. "Don't."

Sirius leaned in and kissed him reassuringly. "Okay?"

Harry was still blushing. "Sure. But you have to take your clothes off too."

Sirius smirked against Harry's neck. "Mmhm."

"Sirius..."

"Can't we watch you a while longer?" Snape said.

"No", Harry said quietly.

"Fine."

Harry sat up straight to give Snape more room. He watched as Snape pulled his zipper down and shoved his pants over his hips. His erection stood up from a bush of dark hair and Harry licked his lips. He smiled at himself when he realized what he was doing.

Sirius also looked at Snape. He seemed focused on Snape's middle section, staring at his chest and down to his cock. Harry wouldn't have been surprised if Sirius had licked his lips too.

"Sirius?" Harry asked and put his hand on Sirius abdomen.

Sirius snapped back to Harry. Snape groaned. "Would you hurry up, please?"

"Piss off", Sirius said but still took his boxers off.

Harry smiled.

Snape leaned over to Harry and stroked his cheek. "Can I?" He reached over to Harry's crotch and grasped Harry's dick gently. Harry gulped. It was so close, so good. Snape's fingers on his skin. The flickering candles reflecting in both Sirius' and Snape's eyes. Just perfect.

Snape turned to Sirius. "Who goes first?"

Harry shivered at the question. This was really happening.

"I don't know... Harry?"

Harry pushed back against Snape's hands that had suddenly disappeared.

"Hm?" Harry asked and clutched and unclutched his hands to keep from wanking himself off. He wanted so bad to just get it over with but he knew it would be so much better if he just waited for a while.

"Who do you want to..?"

"You're both going to anyway, what does it matter?" Harry breathed.

"It's your first time. It's supposed to..."

"It really doesn't matter", Harry interrupted slightly impatiently.

Sirius looked between Harry and Snape and then grumbled. "You go."

...

He watched as Snape prepared him. Harry gasped and whimpered at first but then the sounds turned into moans and random words and his breathing got more laboured. It was wonderful hearing it but still a bit strange that he wasn't the one making him sound like that. Then Snape removed his fingers. Sirius watched as he pushed into Harry slowly, with Harry's sharp intakes of breath sounding so good. Snape hung on to the sheets to keep himself from pushing in hard. He didn't think Harry noticed how much Snape was restraining himself. And then Snape was inside Harry, his face so close to Sirius' that he could feel his breath on his face.

"Okay. Go on", Harry said after a gruesome minute and Snape moved, slowly at first, his face disappearing from in front of Sirius'.

He wished he could feel it too. Being inside Harry, moving with those deep thrusts that Snape made. By the look on Snape's face it was as good as he imagined. He couldn't remember he'd seen someone have sex this close. When he thought about it, he couldn't remember he'd ever seen someone have sex. Well, he'd seen tapes and of course he'd done it himself, and there was that time he caught Remus and that sixth-year in the broomcupboard. But that had just been a glimpse. This was so close, so intimate. So intruding. But still it wasn't intruding. He was a part of this.

He held Harry's legs up to help Snape get a better angle. Harry whimpered when Sirius stroked up his thigh and Sirius cringed in delight.

"Mm... So good. You're-" Snape cut himself off and stopped moving. Then he shivered and came, biting down hard on Harry's neck. He closed his eyes and groaned in a way that made Sirius shiver.

Then they were still. Snape was quiet and buried his head in the crook of Harry's neck. Harry was still breathing loudly and Sirius was quiet. Maybe he was in shock. He'd done it. Snape had done it. And Sirius had... No, he couldn't. He remembered the little kid in James arms. So innocent, so happy, so... pure. And now this adult. When had that happened? When had they ruined him that bad?

...

Harry pushed Snape away. He looked spent. He kissed Harry lazily and smiled. A genuine smile. Not a smirk or a sarcastic smile. A satisfied smile. A happy smile.

"God, you're... So..." Snape shook his head. Apparently he couldn't find the right word.

Harry smiled. "Good."

He had been nervous. But he wasn't anymore. He wasn't a virgin anymore. It felt strange. But not any different than before. He hadn't changed. But he hadn't really expected too.

"Are you okay?"

It was Sirius. He hadn't forgotten about him, of course not. He had been there, breathing in Harry's ear. Harry had felt him arching up against Harry, his erection against his hip. Right. Sirius might want to get rid of that. He was the only one who hadn't come. Harry had splashed both his and Snape's chests long before Snape did.

"Yes. I'm fine. You want me to take care of that?" he said and turned around to face Sirius.

"What?" Sirius said. "Oh. No, you don't have to."

"I want to."

Harry leaned down and took Sirius in his mouth. He heard him gasp and breathe harshly as he ran his tounge up his cock. It didn't take long for him to come. Harry swallowed most of it but still a tiny bit trickled down his chin. Without thinking Harry's tongue darted out to lick at it.

...

Sirius watched Harry sleep. He breathed evenly and slowly. Sadly enough, Snape was awake.

"He's pretty when he sleeps", Snape said and brushed away a strand of hair from Harry's face. The surprisingly loving gesture disturbed him.

Sirius didn't answer.

"Don't you think?"

Sirius nodded.

"You look beside yourself. Jealous?" Snape asked and slouched back against the pillows. "Because I was first?"

"Piss off", Sirius growled.

"Is your vocabulary that bad?"

"Snape..."

"He said he doesn't care which one of us was first. I don't think he was lying", Snape said quietly and Sirius suspected that he was actually trying to comfort him.

"I don't want to talk to you, Snivellus."

Snape stroked Harry's cheek and Harry frowned in his sleep.

"Don't touch him."

"I just fucked him and you're angry because I touched his cheek?"

Sirius tried to not shout. It wouldn't help to wake up Harry.

"Snivellus..."

"Don't call me that", Snape said and looked up from Harry to Sirius.

Sirius smirked. "Why?"

Snape clenched his jaw but didn't seem to want to start shouting either.

...

"Because it brings back old memories, Snivellus?" the mutt asked.

Severus wanted to hit him. To crucio him. To make him writhe in pain, to hurt so much that he wanted to puke or die – anything to get the pain to go away. He wanted to humiliate him. He wanted payback so much it hurt.

...

They were fighting. Again. They probably didn't know Harry was awake. But he was. He was excellent at faking sleep.

Harry sat up and Sirius jumped. "You're both idiots, d'you know that? You're too fucking stubborn for your own good."

...

"Okay. So...It didn't work out that well..." Harry mumbled. "But this time it'll be better."

"Harry... I don't-" Sirius began.

"No. If you don't fight, then it'll be wonderful. I promise."

Sirius looked hesitant. But he'd agreed to come to Snape's quarters again, that had to mean he wanted to again, right? And in the end the corners of Sirius' mouth turned up just the slightest bit and Harry knew that he'd won. Sirius could never resist him for too long.

"Snape?" Harry asked and turned to Snape.

Snape was quiet. He was slouched in the chair next to the bed.

"You can't call him that name", Harry said and then added when he saw Sirius' puzzled look,"Snivellus."

"I won't, okay?" Sirius said, in a way that made it sound a little like an apology.

"I'm in", Snape said with a sigh.

...

Harry lay with his hand buried in Sirius' pubes and gently stroked the skin beneath. He liked the times afterwards the best. It was so peaceful, lying there half asleep, listening to Snape's and Sirius' silent breathing.

He would be happy staying in bed forever. He smiled up at Sirius, and then let his eyes roam over Sirius chest and down to... "Hey, is this a grey hair?" Harry asked.

Sirius' eyes flew open. "What?"

"Here", Harry said and showed Sirius the grey hair below his navel.

"No! No, no, no", Sirius complained loudly.

"Shut up. It's just a hair", Snape said, still with his eyes closed.

Sirius said something that sounded like, 'maybe you're used to it', and leaned in to look at it closer.

Harry laughed. "It is just a hair, Sirius."

Sirius didn't listen, he just groaned loudly.

"Sirius? Don't bother about the hair, can't we-" Harry began, but the fire in the big fireplace flared and cut him off. Someone was calling Snape using floo powder.

...

Harry threw himself into the bathroom before the head in the fire appeared, but Sirius was too slow. He was stuck with only a pillow infront of his crotch and a very embarrassed look on his face. Sirius would have laughed at the situation, if he hadn't been in it.

"Sirius Black?" McGonagall's head said from the fireplace. When she realised he was naked her face turned a dark shade of red that didn't suit her. Sirius was probably blushing too. Snape, though, was strangely calm.

"Minerva? What do you want?" Snape asked and her eyes snapped back to him. He was still in the bed, covering up with the sheets.

"Um, yes. I..." she stuttered. She seemed even more uncomfortable than Sirius felt.

"Minerva", Snape said sharply and scooted forward to the edge of the bed.

"Right. Albus wants to see you."

Sirius tried to move to the bathroom slowly, but he didn't dare to open the door. What if she caught a glimpse of Harry when he opened the door?

"Did he say what it was about?"

"No. I'm sorry if I interrupted-"

"Tell him I'll be there in a few minutes", Snape said and started buttoning his shirt.

"Yes", after a few seconds she added. "Good to see you both", and Sirius nodded.

Then she disappeared and the fire became a small glow.

"Fuck", Snape mumbled and started looking for his pants.

"Harry. She's gone now", Sirius said and the door to the bathroom flew open.

"Was it McGonagall?" Harry asked and Sirius nodded. "Shit. She didn't see me, did she?"

"No, she just thinks I'm screwing the mutt, not you", Snape snapped. "And where the fuck are my pants?"

"You don't have to yell", Harry mumbled and picked the pants up from the chair. "And he promised to not call you Snivellus, so you can't call him mutt."

Sirius smiled. Harry didn't have to defend him, even though he looked so adorable doing it. There were worse things than being called mutt by Snape.

Snape looked like he wanted to scream and yell, but instead he grumbled obscenities under his breath.

"Snape?" Harry said quietly and touched Snape's shoulder.

"No! Fuck, no. You can't... This is... This is my work! I can't just..." He was so angry that he couldn't speak properly.

...

Harry spun the bottle. They were at Grimmauld place and he couldn't use his wand, otherwise he would have. Since the incident with McGonagall, Snape hadn't wanted to have their meetings at his place, so they had moved them over to Grimmauld Place. It was harder to sneak Harry out on the weekends, and they had to time it so that the Weasleys were out, but otherwise Harry liked it. Sirius' bedroom was bigger and more bottle pointed to Sirius and Harry smirked. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay. Your first time. Tell us about your first time."

Sirius smiled and sucked in smoke from his cigarette. Harry didn't excactly like it when he smoked, but he tolerated it.

"My first time was with Annie Williams. It was at a party at James' house. I think it was the summer before our sixth year, and his parents were out of town. I don't really remember much, I was pretty drunk, but I remember her hair. She had really pretty curly blond hair. Oh, and I remember puking in James' dad's closet the morning after."

They all laughed and then it was Sirius' time to spin the bottle. It ended up on Snape. "Snape. Truth?" he asked and Snape nodded. "Your first time."

Snape sat up straighter against the headboard. "No. I..."

"Come on. I did."

Snape's tongue darted out to lick at his bottom lip, something Harry knew he did when he was nervous. "It was my seventh year, in the broom cupboard."

Sirius smiled. "With who?"

Snape hesitated, then said,"Regulus Black."

Harry coughed. "What? His-"

"My brother. Yeah, I know. Regulus told me", he said and smiled. "We used to talk before he became such a git."

Snape grumbled something nasty. "Why didn't you say you knew?"

"Much more fun watching you worry about hurting my feelings", Sirius said and smirked in a way that made Harry smile too.

"I was just having fun", Sirius put out his cigarette. "Now spin the bottle."

Snape did and it ended up on Harry again."Truth", Harry said and then added, "Nothing too mean, please."

"Who gives a better blowjob, me or Black?" Snape asked after a second of thought and brushed some hair out of his face.

"I can only choose between you two?" he said and they laughed. Then he thought out loud, "Well, you're very good with your tongue... And Sirius, you're... You suck more than lick", Harry said and turned to Sirius. "If I have to choose it would be Snape. Sorry, you use your teeth a little too much. You're better at wanking me off."

Snape smirked. "Maybe you've had more practise at that."

Sirius laughed. "Shut up."

Harry smiled. They seemed to be in a good mood.

Harry spun the bottle. It ended up on Snape who said, "Dare."

Finally, Harry thought.

"Okay." He pretended to think. "Kiss Sirius."

Snape's eyes darted over to Sirius and then back to Harry. "What?" he asked even though it was obvious he'd heard him.

"Kiss Sirius."

"No."

"You can't refuse. It's against the rules."

Snape began to argue but Harry interrupted him. "Come on. You just fucked me infront of him but you can't kiss him?"

"No, I can't."

"Come on. Please."

"That might work on Black, but it won't on me."

Harry pressed himself against Snape. "Please?" he whispered seductively in his ear.

"Fine", Snape finally said and pushed Harry off him. He crept over on his knees to Sirius, who had been very quiet.

...

Snape leaned over him and their lips met. He was surprisingly gentle when he slowly opened his mouth with his tongue. Sirius couldn't think. It couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. And it couldn't be feeling this good.

...

Severus drew back to end the kiss, but Sirius followed his movements and pressed their faces together harder. Kissing Sirius Black. God. What had happened to him? Severus forced himself to think reasonably, to keep his emotions out of it. It wasn't too bad. Black was a bit clumsy, but Severus really shouldn't judge him. He was extremely picky at times. Good technique though. There was a bit of a of a battle over who should "lead", and in the end Black won. He moved his tongue over Severus' and Severus got goose bumps, to his horror. Then he felt Harry's cold fingers in his neck and broke the kiss.

"Don't let me disturb", Harry whispered.

Black let out a mixture of a grunt and a cough and reached for a cigarette.

"No. Please don't. Those things smell like shit."

Black put it down again.

...

"So? That wasn't too bad was it?"

No, Sirius thought. It wasn't. It was wonderful. But instead he said, "Who's turn is it to spin the bottle?"

...

The suffocating feeling vanished and Harry appeared next to Snape in Sirius' bedroom.

"You're late", Sirius said and there was a little bit of jealousy in his voice. He was so sweet, he always got so jealous.

Harry kissed Sirius slowly and then said, "Yeah, sorry. We're cranky today."

"Don't treat me like a child", Snape said grumpily.

"Does someone need a nap?" Harry teased as he kicked his shoes off.

"He's fucking Cho Chang", Snape said, looking straight at Sirius, clearly looking for support.

"What?" Sirius asked as Harry blushed.

"I'm not having sex with her", he said and looked sharply at Snape.

"Wait, who is she? What are you...?" Sirius asked, sounding confused.

"She's a sixth year. And we did not-"

"Fine. You still kissed her", Snape said.

"How did you find out about that?" Harry asked. He still hadn't figured that out. They'd kissed in the room of requirements, Snape couldn't possibly have seen them.

"What? Why'd you kiss her?" Sirius asked. He was still confused.

"I..." Harry was quiet and they both listened, Snape with a sour look on his face. "I'm sorry. She just kissed me. Once."

"Is she pretty?" Sirius asked with a small smile.

"That's hardly the point!" Snape growled.

"Is she?" Sirius asked and ignored Snape's comment.

Harry thought about her long, silky black hair and those dark eyes with long eyelashes. "Sure. But she's not my type. Besides, she... She started crying."

"While you were kissing her?" Sirius asked with a laugh.

"Her boyfriend died last year", Snape said and Harry looked down at the floor.

"Who was her boyfriend?" Sirius asked, clearly oblivious of Harry's reaction.

"Cedric Diggory", Snape said and sat down on the bed.

"Diggory? Wasn't he...? Oh", Sirius ended awkwardly.

"That doesn't matter", Harry said and shook his head.

"You're right. It doesn't. What does matter is the fact that you're snogging his girlfriend!" Snape sounded angry. Furious. Harry hadn't known he cared that much.

Harry groaned. "Would you shut up about that! It's not like I cheated!"

Snape let out a disbelieveing huff. "It's exactly like you cheated! Kissing someone else counts as cheating!"

"What should I have told her then?" Harry retorted angrily, not caring if he'd hurt their feelings. It wasn't fair. It wasn't Harry's fault, she'd kissed _him_. Not the other way around. "Should I have told her about us? 'Sorry but I can't go out with you, because I like it when my godfather and my teacher fuck me up the arse'?"

Snape grit his teeth and lunged forward against Harry, pinning him against the wall. "You're a fucking slut and you know it. You can't decide between us? No. You can, you just don't want to because you're just as selfish as your father!"

"Don't talk to him like that!" Sirius shouted. "Don't you fucking call him that!"

Harry could see Sirius from over Snape's shoulder, pulling them apart. He looked pale and angry.

Snape breathed in loud huffs and looked between Harry and Sirius, and Harry was sure they had almost identical cold expressions. He looked like he was about to leave, but Sirius stopped him by grabbing his wrist. "Say you're sorry."

Snape forced his breathing down, it seemed, and then spoke slowly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

Harry's ears were pounding from all that anger he wanted to let out, but couldn't. He couldn't say all the nasty things he wanted to say, because that would make them both so sad and angry. He'd already hurt both of them by what he said earlier, he didn't need to hurt them anymore. He needed them, he couldn't risk them leaving. He wasn't going to say something stupid to make them leave, never. He needed control, wasn't that what Snape always said? He needed to control his emotions, even though Snape seemed to have lost control. Or maybe that was why he had to be calm? In the end he grit out a, "It's fine."

Snape swallowed and licked his bottom lip, in that nervous habit of his. "I am."

...

Harry was right though, that was what had made Severus so angry. He couldn't tell anyone, never. They'd both go to jail, Severus would loose his job, the little respect he had from his peers... Cho Chang, or the Weasley girl, or any other girl for that matter, could give Harry so much more than they could. Why shouldn't he choose them? He'd realised that the only thing keeping Harry here, with them, was the will of an idiotic teenage boy. And it scared him shitless.

...

Snape moaned and pulled on Harry's hair. He was close now, Harry knew, so he pressed harder with his tongue on the tip of his cock and made little circles like he knew he liked.

"God!" Snape moaned loudly. His breathing sped up, he was very close now.

Harry felt Sirius inside him, moving in the same fast pace as Harry was sliding his tongue up and down Snape's cock. It was so good, when he could please them at the same time. So good.

"God! Fuck! Mmm... Merlin, I love you!" Snape shouted when he came. Then he froze. Completely still as Harry swallowed his cum and pulled away.

Harry was shocked. He'd never said that. Not ever. And he didn't even know if he meant it or if it was just something he'd said when he'd gotten carried away. Snape stared at him to check his reaction and suddenly he wanted away. He wanted to be alone, to just think for a minute.

"No! Harry, Harry. No, please. M'so close now", Sirius said and pushed him down on the mattress again when he tried to pull away. Sirius moved faster and faster and came in silence, just his rapid breathing heard.

...

Sirius watched as Harry closed his eyes and drew away from him, mumbling something about taking a shower before ducking into the bathroom.

"Wow. That was", Sirius looked for words, "brave."

Snape buried his face in his hands. "Shit."

"Hey, he's probably just shocked", he said.

When Snape didn't react he leaned over and... No, what was he doing? Comforting Snivellus?

Snape got up before Sirius could do anything and knocked on the bathroom door. "Harry?"

...

Harry pressed against the door and closed his eyes. Then he shouted out, "Yes?"

"Harry? Can you open the door?" Snape said, his voice muffled by the door.

"I..." Harry whispered and there was no way Snape could have heard it. But he opened the door.

"Harry..." Snape said.

"I know. You didn't mean it, right?" he said and he heard how cold his voice was, still he didn't try to apologize.

Snape nodded and actually seemed relieved. "Yes."

"Now, I really want to shower", Harry said and forced a smile before he shut the door. Of course Snape didn't love him. They were just fucking. Yes, just fucking. Then why did Harry have a hard time keeping from crying? He turned the water on in the shower so the two men on the other side of the door wouldn't hear him sobbing. What had he thought? That he, Snape and Sirius would be happy together? As a couple or a threesome or whatever you could call it? He'd tried to avoid thinking about it, but... He could barely hear himself think over the loud drizzle of the shower and his own sniffles. Harry sunk down on the floor and leaned against the door.

They couldn't do this. Not for too long. And Harry couldn't bear keeping it a secret like this. Why did he have to think about that now? Why couldn't he just pretend? Pretend for just a little while that everything was normal, just the way he wanted it? That's what he'd do. Pretend.

...

Severus was awake, even though he was pretty sure neither Black nor Harry knew he was. They were talking about something, quietly. Quidditch from what Severus could hear. He was lying on his stomach with his face away from Black and Harry, looking at the walls with the tacky posters of half naked muggle girls. There was a rustling noise from the sheets and Harry's weight moved further away from Severus.

"Hold me", Harry whispered and there was movement on the other side of the bed.

After a moment of silence Black said, "You know I love you, right?" There was the slightest weight on _I_ and Severus knew he was only saying it because Severus had brought the subject up earlier.

"Yes", Harry answered from behind Snape's back.

Why couldn't Severus say that? But he had said it and then he'd chickened out. He couldn't even stand by what he'd said. It had been so easy to just go with what Harry'd said, to just pretend he hadn't meant it. He closed his eyes.

...

Harry was cold even though Sirius' warm body was pressed against him. Snape was awake, but pretended he wasn't and lay next to them. He always slept alone, he wouldn't let Harry or Sirius near him when they slept. He said it was because it got too warm and swetty, but Harry didn't believe him. He felt Sirius' breathing beginning to get slow and heavy so Harry pushed his elbow into his abdomen.

"Don't fall asleep", he said and Sirius pulled him closer, like a reflex.

Then Snape groaned and sat up. Harry _knew_ he was awake.

And then Sirius sat up too and Harry couldn't stay in that happy little pretend world anymore.

"What is it? Is _he_..." Harry asked Snape's back.

"Yes", Snape said and he sounded tired. "I have to leave."

He stood up and started looking for his clothes, which was pretty hard since they were scattered all over the room.

"Does it hurt?" Harry asked and looked at the tattoo. It looked normal, maybe the black was a little darker than before.

"Yes", Snape said plainly and Sirius looked away from both of them.

"Much, or...?" Harry asked and Snape stopped his search for clothes, but didn't look at Harry.

"It's not... Yes." When Harry didn't say anything he kept on talking. "At first it's sharp, like someone stabbed you and then it becomes a thudding. It wears off eventually. Where is my shirt?"

"Does it matter what you wear under those cloaks?" Sirius said and Harry wasn't sure if he was trying to be mean or not.

Snape didn't answer, but found his shirt and kissed Harry goodbye. Then he looked at Sirius like he was thinking about kissing him too. Harry wanted to shout at them, to scream that they should stop being so silly. 'You were enemies like twenty years ago, so what?' 'Stop being such cowards!' 'Please!' 'Please...'. But he didn't. He was quiet and he hated himself for it. And Sirius looked away with a small cough. And they didn't kiss. And Snape left and Harry knew that in a few hours, minutes, seconds, he would have to leave too.

...

Harry woke up in the middle of the night with Sirius leaning over him.

"Harry? Harry, you were shouting in your sleep, are you all right?" Sirius sounded scared.

"It was just a nightmare. I'm sorry. Sorry", Harry said and wiped his swetty forehead.

"Are you all right?" Snape added from his place further away on the bed.

"Yeah", Harry said and smiled. "It was just a nightmare."

"Was it...?" Snape asked and Harry nodded.

"That corridor dream again?" Sirius asked as Snape scooted closer.

"Yeah. I'm... I'm so close. I just can't open the door!" Harry said frustratedly.

"You shouldn't _try_ to open the door", Snape said and looked at Harry sternly with those dark eyes.

Harry looked at Sirius, who looked like he wasn't sure which side he should take.

"That's what the Dark Lord wants", Snape continued.

"Yeah, you should know", Sirius grumbled and Snape glared at him. Okay, a poor attempt at taking Harry's side then. They'd been doing so good, why did they have to start fighting now?

"Sorry?" Snape said silkily and Sirius looked down at the Dark Mark pointedly.

Snape got a hard look on his face.

"Touch it", he said suddenly and reached his left arm out.

Harry watched them, terrified. Sirius wouldn't. And Snape would get angry because of that and...

"What? I'm not going to _touch it_", Sirius said in a disgusted tone.

"Touch it or I'm leaving", Snape said and his eyes were fixed on Sirius.

"Yeah, that would make me so sad."

"Don't leave", Harry said and Snape looked at him with a 'this doesn't concern you'-look. But it did concern him. So much.

"Touch it", Snape said, and his voice was hard.

Sirius looked defiantly at Snape one last time and then he put a hand over the dark tattoo. He looked like he was about to pull away instantly, but Snape stopped him by putting his right hand on top of Sirius' hand.

"Let me go", Sirius said.

"You're a fucking coward", Snape said and then he let him go.

"Atleast I'm not a deatheater", Sirius said coldly.

...

Half way through his last OWL-test he saw Sirius. It was like in his dreams, he was walking trough the dark corridor and then... There he was. He was lying on the floor, slumped together, just a dark shape. Harry walked up to him and he wasn't himself. He was Voldemort. He heard himself pronounce the word 'crucio' in a cold voice and Sirius writhed in pain. Why was he hurting Sirius? He shouldn't be hurting Sirius. And then he was back in the sunny classroom.

...

Snape looked at him quietly as Umbridge screamed at him. They'd been caught. Umbridge had walked in as they were flooing Grimmauld place. Sirius hadn't been there. Sirius is at the Department of Mysteries, Sirius is at the Department of Mysteries, Harry thought frantically. Please, hear me. Please, look into my head. Voldemort has Sirius!

But Snape looked away and spoke to Umbridge and then he was leaving. He couldn't be leaving. No. "He has Padfoot! He has Padfoot at the place where it's hidden!"

Please understand. Please. Severus, please. Umbridge screamed and ranted and then she asked, "What does he mean, Snape?"

Snape looked at him coldly and said, "No idea."

He said something else but Harry didn't listen. Even Snape wasn't that good at lying. He couldn't be. He'd looked straight at him and not... Not even a nod or... Harry didn't know what he expected, but atleast some acknowledgement. Nothing. And then Snape was gone and Harry felt like vomiting. He couldn't trust Snape to tell the Order. They'd fought the last time they'd seen each other, would Snape try to save Sirius after that? Was Snape so cold that he didn't care? Harry hoped not but he wasn't sure and that nauseating feeling in his stomach grew.

...

Sirius was going to be fine. Just fine, Harry kept telling himself as he flew on his thestral. He had to be. They were going to be fine. Harry had not kissed Sirius for the last time, he had not touched him for the last time, they had not slept next to each other for the last time, they had not fucked for the last time. He had to be fine. People weren't just okay one day and then they were... No. Harry wasn't even going to think it.

...

The second curse hit Sirius in the chest. A smile was still frozen on his face when he fell gracefully through the veil. Bellatrix laughed and screamed something taunting, but Harry blocked her out and just stared. Sirius wasn't fine. Harry had started running without noticing it, but he knew it was too late. Somehow he knew it was too late.

"Harry! Harry, Sirius is gone..We can't do anything!" Lupin shouted over the noise of the other fighting as he held Harry, to keep him from running. Sirius couldn't be... Sirius wasn't dead. He was supposed to have ducked that curse. He would be alive and Harry could kiss him and touch him and hold him and...

"Sirius!" he tried to scream but it came out as a sob.

No. They would kiss and not care about anything or anyone and then they would go to Hogwarts and Snape would be waiting there and Sirius would kiss him too, because he was so happy to be alive, to have ducked...

"Harry..." Lupin said and Harry finally got away from him. Everyone was quiet now, the fighting had stopped, it was just Harry screaming. Sirius was gone and nothing would be the same. Nothing.

...

Severus sat at his desk in his quiet classroom. He hadn't showered or washed up since he'd left the ministry, but he'd do that in a minute. He had a cut over his brow that was still bleeding and his clothes were a bit torn, but he'd be fine. He'd be fine, he thought and swallowed. He'd go up tomorrow and everything would be normal. He'd be busy. He wouldn't think about him. Or Harry. No, that was over.

He looked at the paper in front of him. It was blank, a white, square piece of paper. He put the tip of the pencil to the paper and then he regretted it. A drop of ink left a big splotch on the white and he crumpled it together and threw it in the garbage. No, he wouldn't write Harry a letter. What would he say? There was absolutely nothing he could say or do to make this okay. Things weren't going to be okay.

...

"Harry..." Lupin said and touched his shoulder. "Your aunt says you're not eating."

He was eating. Maybe not as much as Uncle Vernon and his whale of a son, but he was eating. Why did Aunt Petunia care anyway?

"I know..." Lupin was searching for words. But he didn't know. Of course he didn't know. "It's hard for you. You and Sirius were very close and..."

Harry sat up in his bed, where he'd been lying with his face away from Lupin's. "I'll eat more."

Lupin looked sad and Harry regretted sounding so cold. Lupin had known Sirius too.

"Sorry", Harry said and Lupin's grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Did Sirius...?"

Harry wasn't sure Lupin knew what he was asking. Or if he wanted an answer.

Harry smiled at Lupin. He would never understand. Not that. "I'll eat", Harry just said and Lupin nodded.

"All right. And if you want anything, then..."

"Yeah", Harry said and nodded.

...

"Potter", Severus said and Harry looked up. "Stay after class."

Harry waved Weasley and Granger off and they were alone.

"What do you want?" Harry said and sounded pretty nasty.

"You don't pay attention in class", Severus said and turned around from the chalk board. Harry looked thin. Even more than before. Severus wondered if dear Petunia was feeding him enough.

"Sorry. Was there something else, sir?" Harry said coldly and Severus' eyes drifted to his wooden desk. He was angry with him.

"I... I'm sorry", he said.

"No, you're not", Harry said and didn't look away from Severus. He glared and Severus walked over to Harry and reached his hand out just to break the silence in some way. Harry didn't push him away, but he looked up at him defiantly.

"What do you want?" Harry asked.

"I..." Severus said. Harry was a little shorter than him and he had to crane his neck slightly so that their eyes would meet. He had Lily's eyes, Severus couldn't help thinking. And Lily was gone. Just like...

"Do you wanna fuck? Do you wanna fight? Say something other than 'I...'", Harry said and mimicked Severus.

Just like _him_. And she'd left – they'd both left – this boy after them. Severus knew he was just a boy even though he looked so mature, those eyes were so mature. He was only 16, Severus thought. Severus hadn't been so grown up when he'd been 16.

Severus brought his hand up to Harry's cheek. He stroked the soft skin with his thumb and murmured, "It wasn't anyone's fault. And certainly not yours."

Now Harry looked away. Atleast he lowered his eyes to Severus' neck.

"_I_ wanna fuck", he said quietly, ignoring what Severus had said, and put a hand on Severus' chest.

"Harry..." Snape said, but his voice faded.

Harry pulled at his clothes frantically.

"I can't. I have a class in..." Harry kissed him harshly. "...in ten minutes."

"We'll be quick", he said coldly.

"No", Severus said. Harry got a hand inside his pants and smiled when he found Severus' erection.

Harry pushed against him hard and Severus hit the desk. "We..."

"What?" Harry snapped. "'We...' what? There's no 'we'. Not anymore. Not like it was before. Are you going to fuck me or not?"

Severus grabbed him, harder than he meant to and made Harry gasp. "Fine."

...

Snape was finally responding. He pushed Harry up against the desk and then he turned him around. He felt Snape's hands on his ass, grabbing almost clawing, and then he was inside him, moving at a fast pace. He was hurting him, but it didn't matter. He would probably be sore afterwards, for a long time, but Harry didn't care.

He closed his eyes and moved with Snape. It was easier pretending nothing was wrong like this. It was pathetic in a way, that the only way the pain wasn't there was when he was getting pounded into a desk in the Defense Against the Dark Arts-classroom.

"Harder", Harry said and Snape did as he said. Harry clenched his eyelids together and grit his teeth. "Oh, come on. Faster!"

"I can't go any fucking faster" Snape hissed and Harry hit his fist into the desk. That hurt too.

Then Snape came, but still his grip on Harry's hips didn't loosen. 'It wasn't anyone's fault'. The words echoed through Harry's head. Of course it was someone's fault. People didn't just die. Harry should have stayed at Hogwarts. Snape should have done something. A nod, a smile, something. He should have shown something, something so that Harry knew he was about to warn the Order. And Sirius should have ducked. How could he not have ducked?

"Are you crying?" Snape asked softly and pulled out. "Harry..."

"No. I'm so fucking _tired_ of everyone talking to me in that understanding voice", Harry said and leaned his forehead against the cold wooden desk. "You don't _understand_."

Snape let him go and Harry heard him sit down. "You're upset", he stated. "It was nobody's fault, Harry."

"'Nobody's fault'?" Harry repeated. It's everyone's fault. "How can you be so cold? You don't even flinch when you say it. You could never..."

...

'Could never' what? Understand? Could he never feel like Harry did? Could he never miss him as much as Harry did?

"To think that you're the only one who has lost someone is very self-centered", Severus said quietly.

Harry made a snorting noise like a laugh. "I'm gonna leave now", he said and picked up his things. He still looked tousled, his hair was a mess and he hadn't buttoned his pants properly. It looked sweet.

They were quiet and then he said, "I'm sorry", lacking other words for it.

"Yeah, well sorry won't make him come back."

Severus tried to ignore the cold tone in his voice, but it was hard. "Will you come to my quarters later?"

Harry nodded, looking at the floor. It was strange, he seemed to shift from furious anger to numbing sadness. It was like he didn't know how to act.

"You know the password", Snape said and Harry left without looking at him.

...

Snape's bedroom was quiet except for Snape's even breathing on the other side of the bed. Harry couldn't sleep. He thought it would make him forget, but being with Snape just made his memory more vivid.

They'd had sex but it hadn't been the same. It had been cold and just not the same. Something was missing and they both knew exactly what it was. Who it was. It felt wrong. It felt like they were just continuing on like nothing had happened.

Snape shifted and moved closer to Harry. Then he felt Snape's arm sneak its way around his stomach and settle there.

"You don't have to", Harry said.

"I want to", he said and pulled Harry closer to him.

"I have to leave soon anyway", he said and was painfully aware of Snape's breathing against his neck, the soft movements of his chest as he breathed, how he was moving his hand up his chest.

"Not yet."

...

Harry left the noise of Slughorn's party behind him, pulling out his invisibility cloak as he ran. The corridor was empty and quiet and there was no sign of where Snape and Malfoy had gone. Trying to crash the party, yeah right. Malfoy was up to something, Harry knew it. He just couldn't figure out what.

He found them in an empty classroom at the end of the corridor. They were talking excitedly about something and Harry crouched down in front of the keyhole.

"... can't afford to make any mistakes, Draco, if you get expelled..." Snape sounded angry and maybe a little worried.

"I had nothing to do with it, all right?" Malfoy snapped back.

They talked about Katie Bell and Snape accused Malfoy of giving her that necklace. He kept saying that Malfoy should tell him his plan, that he should let him help. Help with what? Harry didn't understand half of what they were saying. But now he was sure Malfoy was planning something.

Suddenly the door swung open and Harry only had a second to jump out of the way. Malfoy rushed out of the classroom and vanished around the corner. Snape walked out slower with an unreadable look on his face. Harry jumped on his feet and put a hand on his arm. Snape looked straight through him suspiciously.

"Who's there?" he said and Harry slid off his invisibility cloak.

He stared at him before he looked around in the still empty hallway and pulled Harry in to the classroom. "I should have known you'd follow."

"Malfoy did it. Why did he give Katie that necklace?"

"Don't talk so loud", Snape said and leaned against a table.

"What is he planning?" Harry said excitedly.

"I don't know", Snape said tiredly. "He won't tell me."

"But..." Harry said. He'd finally found someone who didn't think he was crazy for saying that Malfoy was plotting something. "You have to know something. You offered your help. With what?"

Malfoy had said something about Snape wanting to steal his glory. It had to be something big, then. But Snape didn't answer.

"It's something about Voldemort-"

"Don't say his name!" Snape said.

"I can say his fucking name if I want to!" Harry shouted.

Snape looked like he was going to shout back for a moment, but then he decided to be calm and nodded. "You're right." 

Harry almost smiled. "You're admitting I'm right? That's a first."

Snape did smile and then he pulled Harry in close to him. "I'm sorry. I can't talk to you about this."

...

Severus held him close for a long time, and he didn't ask about Malfoy or what he was planning again. He just buried his face in Severus' robes, and then Severus felt the wetness spreading from Harry's eyes. Severus pressed him almost painfully hard against him now, as if he could make the pain go away that way. He hadn't loved him like this before, when he'd first kissed him that time in his classroom. Then he'd just been attracted, he'd wanted him. Now he didn't know what he'd do without him.

He was even fine with being a replacement for Black. He knew that Harry secretly pretended that Severus was Black. He'd heard him whisper Black's name to him when he thought Severus was asleep. He'd seen how he'd started moaning 'Sirius', when they were having sex, and then looked down, slightly disappointed, changing it to 'Severus'. He knew that, but he didn't care.

He wondered if he could have been able to stand being a replacement for James, if it meant he could have had Lily, and he didn't think so. This was stronger even than what he'd felt for Lily, this was love, what he'd felt for Lily was admiration and want. He'd still had his pride when he wanted Lily, but that had all gone away now. Harry was all that was left.

He kissed at the salty streaks running down Harry's cheeks and Harry smiled through the tears.

"Thank you, Severus", he said and Severus smiled back. Yes, he could ignore that someone was missing, he could settle for this flawed relationship.

And if he could make Harry smile, it wouldn't be flawed at all now would it?

...

"No", Severus got out. "I won't do it."

Dumbledore looked at him with a sad look in those blue eyes. "Severus..."

Severus looked down at his hands, who had been touching Harry's smooth skin just a few hours ago. He knew he had to. He'd made a promise, and he had to keep it. Fuck. He wanted to cry, something he hadn't done in a very long time. Part of him was angry, at himself, at Dumbledore, and childishly enough at the unfairness of it all. But it was the sadness that was unbearable. It swallowed him up and left his mind in a tumultuous state, full of Harry smiling, Black grinning and softly teasing him, kissing Harry, smelling him, touching him, tasting him. Full of memories of things that would never happen again.

...

"Harry, leave now! Hide!" Dumbledore got out between his strained breathing and Harry did as he said. He hurried down the stairs as soon as he could, just in time for the Deatheaters to arrive. He watched as Malfoy revealed everything, proving Harry's suspicions. He was going to kill Dumbledore, he knew, but Dumbledore was going to fight back. He had to.

People didn't just die like that.

Harry watched from beneath the floorboards as Bellatrix, the woman who had killed Sirius, pushed her nephew, tried to force him to utter the killing curse. Why wasn't Dumbledore doing anything? But maybe he had a plan. Yes, Dumbledore had to have a plan.

But what was it? He had to do something soon, didn't he realise that? Harry wanted to shout at Dumbledore, to do something, to quit stalling. He had to or else it would be too late!

Severus. The dark shadow appeared next to Harry without a sound and Harry sighed in relief. "Severus-" he began, but Snape silenced him.

...

In that moment he didn't care about what he had to do. He drank in Harry Potter's soft, and yet strong features, in the dim light in the tower. He looked into those beautiful, emerald eyes and the messy hair that he didn't associate with the father at all now, but with the son. He took in the wondeful, swetty, Harry smell and brought a hand up to stroke his soft cheek. Harry frowned and pointed to the scene above them, panic rising in his expression, and Severus closed his eyes and softly pressed his lips against Harry's one last time.

"I'm sorry", he murmured against Harry's lips and the boy looked up at him with a scared, questioning look. He couldn't hug that better. He had to leave him, just like everyone else had done, just like his parents and Sirius had done. And that was the worst of it, not saying the feared words, not seeing the green flash, not even seeing the emptiness in Albus' eyes as he fell from the tower, but this. The dread and sadness in Harry's eyes when he understood that Severus wasn't there to help.

"I'm sorry."

...


End file.
